10 Tips to Get Back With Your Ex and Keep Them

Getting back with an ex is never easy, but if celebrities have taught us anything over the years, it’s that rekindling a relationship from your past is a great way of breathing back the flames of passion in your own dating life.

There are plenty of examples, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin dated on and off from 2015-to 2016, before breaking up. They would reunite again in 2018 and tie the knot! 

Another couple that is all the talk right now, is Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck who are now engaged! After a long 18 years since their first split, Bennifer is back and people are more excited than ever.

If they were able to start up their relationship again and even go so far as getting married, after 18 years? Then any one of us has a chance of getting back with our exes.

Here are 10 tips you can use to get back with your ex and keep them.

Take some time before reaching out

If the breakup is still fresh, it might be good to keep it that way for a while.

Breakups don’t just happen spontaneously, even though it might feel that way to the person being broken up with. It’s likely that your partner has been feeling this way for a while and has been looking for a reason to let the relationship go.

Thus, if the breakup is still fresh, they will still be feeling the same way about these issues.

What you need to do is to spend this time figuring out who you are and what positives and negatives you bring to the relationship.

A great way to do this is to make a list of all the good things and bad things about your relationship. Then, write down all the right and wrong things you did and your partner within the relationship.

This way, you can single out things to focus on for yourself. Issues that need fixing from your side. During this off time, you should contemplate all the things you did that upset your partner, and find ways that you can fix them. Don’t blame your partner, even if they had some issues too. People aren’t perfect and neither are you or your partner.

Write down things you can do to fix these problems and keep them with you at all times. Whenever you think of something else you did wrong or can do to fix the problems, write them down. 

During this time, you should also take some time off. Get a new hobby or partake in old hobbies that you enjoy. Go hang out with your friends and family, or even take a vacation. 

Usually, when you’re in a relationship you tend to do some things less. It could be because your partner doesn’t like it, or that you simply didn’t have the time anymore. Now that you have some free time, it’s time to find yourself again. You might even like this person more than what you became within the relationship.

Think about what will be different this time around

Now that you’ve focused on the issues you as a person have and can fix, it’s time to focus on the parts of the relationship that caused the breakup.

It could be an amalgamation of issues, so singling out some of the larger problems might be the most productive way to go about it.

The list will come in handy again for this. Write down issues you had with the relationship and what your partner or you can do to fix them.

Remember that sometimes you might think it was your partner’s fault when you might have been hard-headed, selfish, or aggressive. 

An example might be something your partner asked you to do and you forgot. Instead of saying sorry and doing it, you argued that your partner did not ask you this particular question, playing the victim. In this situation, you would be in the wrong, no matter what.

Once you’ve written down some things, spend a few days thinking about how they would need to change for the relationship to work. Write these down, specifying if these problems were caused by you, your partner, or both.

Address the breakup with your ex

So, you’ve made your list, you’ve taken time off, you’ve addressed the issues within your relationship, and have thought about how to fix them. Most importantly you have decided that you still want to get back with your ex. Great!

Contacting your ex needs to be done with the utmost care. Whatever you do, don’t ask them to meet at your place, or theirs. Instead, pick a public place that they like and feel comfortable in. Maybe a coffee shop they like.

If your ex is also interested in getting back together, you will need to talk about the list. Don’t show it to them, but keep it in mind. 

Both partners will have to be open and honest to successfully get the relationship back on track.

If you both jump into the relationship at this point and pretend nothing happened, those problems will just come creeping back up again.

Tell each other what parts of the relationship bothered you and listen without judgment. Don’t think just an apology will be enough to fix it. These issues will require both of you to actively address them. It won’t be perfect but with patience, an open mind, and open communication it is possible.

Keep friends and family informed

During your breakup you most likely kept your parents and friends informed of the situation. 

Sometimes things might have gotten heated, and you might have said some intimate things to them that you might not have intended to. Even worse, you might have name-shamed your partner. 

It’s not something to be proud of, but no one is perfect, especially when dealing with something as difficult as a breakup.

Parents, family, and friends are also able to give you their point of view on your relationship. Sure, they’re not the ones who are in the relationship, but sometimes an outside point of view can help you notice things you might not have before. 

Ask your family and friends their opinions about your relationship. Make sure they can be trusted and are honest with you. They might not want to hurt your feelings or choose your side. This will only skew the way you view the relationship if they tell you that you were a perfect partner and it’s all the other person’s fault.

Be open-minded when they provide you with valid criticisms and feedback. This is great practice for when you talk in person with your ex about your relationship. Practice listening attentively without trying to defend yourself.

Once you do get back to your ex, make sure friends and family know about it. You don’t want anyone saying something impolite or sensitive about your ex while around you or your ex.

It’s also good to keep your closest family in the loop on how the relationship is progressing. If things fall apart again, they will be there to lend a shoulder to cry on.

Put yourself in another person’s shoes

After you’ve discussed your intentions with your family and friends, and they’ve all given you their thoughts, it might be a good idea to put yourself in one of their shoes. Our parents and grandparents have years of wisdom to share. Some of them might not have been the best partners or might even be divorced. 

That doesn’t mean they don’t have any value to offer the situation, since they’ve had years to ponder over their decisions and think about where things went right and wrong. Use their experience to your advantage. 

If your family member would have done the same as you, then absolutely go for it!

If they would not have done the same, ask yourself why. Think about their reasons for not going back to the relationship. If you’re not sure, and it’s still possible, go and ask them why they wouldn’t get back with their ex.

Another possibility is to imagine that you are viewing your relationship from a third-person point of view. This makes you judge the actions of you and your partner through the eyes of a neutral party.

It can be difficult to do, but when done right it can be eye-opening. This will allow you to see the mistakes you both made regarding the relationship.

Take it slow

Don’t jump straight back into your relationship. Doing so will only lead back to all the problems you had before. Instead, take it as slow as possible.

Firstly, establish contact. Find out if your ex still wants to talk to you. If so, then keep it on social media for a week or so, before even considering meeting up.

Once you’re ready, meet your ex in a public place that they enjoy. Again, don’t jump straight back into the relationship with your ex. 

Be honest with them. 

Tell your ex that you do want to get back with them, but that you want to do it right this time. Discuss the problems you had in the relationship and listen to what they have to say as well. Acknowledge each other’s mistakes, but don’t criticize. 

Address the breakup with your ex

At this point, you may start talking about the breakup with your ex.

If possible, make a list of things about your previous relationship that you liked and didn’t like. Make sure to highlight parts of the relationship that were most important to you, as well as those that hurt you the most.

Ask your ex to do the same and meet up to share these things.

This will help you and your ex create a great jumping-off point for the new relationship. At no point should you or your partner address or defend any point made by the other person. During this conversation, you should only listen and internalize.

Afterward, go home and think about what your partner said. Try to find ways to address these issues with or without your partner. You might even feel like it might not be possible to do some of those things, take note, and tell your ex next time you see them. 

Now both of you are ready to decide whether you want to try again or not. If you do then we suggest you start a “trial period.”

Have a trial period

You and your ex decided to try again. Great!

But to keep the pressure off the relationship, establish a trial period. 

This means, no living together, keeping sleepovers to a minimum, and no big life decisions!

Essentially you are back in the dating stage with your ex. Take this time to discuss the issues you had and to work on them. This will require both of you to be open-minded and not judgmental. If one of you does start criticizing it will only lead to the demise of the relationship again.

Both partners at this point are as vulnerable as can be. You’ve decided to put your opinions aside and try to be as open-minded as possible. If you or your partner feels like they aren’t able to share their opinion without being judged, it might make them reconsider the relationship.

Only once both partners feel like they have made adequate progression, as well as their partner, can the relationship slowly start moving forward.

Keep the trial period though, just move it past the dating stage. If you do want to move in together, don’t move out of your place immediately. This will allow you or your partner the space if needed to take a break.

Having somewhere to go for alone time, especially during the early stages of moving in together is important. Try spending a weekend together first. Do that for a while, before staying a bit longer. Once you feel comfortable enough in each other’s space for long periods, you can move in together.

Don’t bring up the past

This new relationship should be treated just that way. Like a new relationship.

It’s important not to forget your mistakes from the past relationship, but that’s where it ends. The past is only there to learn from, not to stay in.

All relationships have arguments from time to time, and you or your partner might be tempted to bring up the past. Keep yourself from even remotely mentioning or referencing past events from your previous relationship.

It will only set the relationship back. Old feelings will creep up again. The exact feelings that lead to the breakup in the first place.

This is a good rule to set before you start the relationship again. Promise each other to never bring up the past.

This includes exes, fights, and old habits. Both of you have promised to change for the better, so bringing up old excuses and reasons will only cause bad blood.

Be realistic – know when the relationship is not working

Everything in life is temporary and relationships are no different. 

It is human nature to want to stay together. Not only do we not like losing things, but we tend to find such large life events scary since they bear a lot of change. 

Thing is, staying in an unhealthy relationship will only make your life a burden when you grow older. Regret, shame, anger, and resentment will overtake your life until there is nothing left of you or your partner.

It’s possible to start anew much later in life, but it’s not as easy. Instead, if the relationship has no chance of succeeding and your ex is not a great fit for you, then don’t even try to make things work.

Instead, be honest with them about how you feel. They might even feel the same as you, but might be too scared as well. Try to end the relationship on good terms. You may even keep in touch if the feeling was mutual.

FAQs

How can I get my ex back? – Bottom Line

Getting your ex back will take patience, honesty, and a renewed sense of trust between you and your ex.

If you’re willing to listen, be open to change, and be more vulnerable than you’ve ever been, then it is completely possible to get your ex back. Just follow our 10 tips and remember to not lose yourself in the process.